2 Years Ago....A Look Back

On November 1st, 2015, my life changed forever. And I'm not exaggerating. It was a Sunday night and it was quiet. The kids were all snug in their beds, Todd was in his office and I was laying on the couch in my living room pondering a few things.
Let's rewind a little bit. Back to June of the same year. The LDS church released a series of essays about specific church doctrines to help dispell any myths and help it's members understand the history of the church. It was in one of those essays that I learned Joseph Smith had practiced polygamy. Say what you will....I was not taught that in Sunday School. I knew Brigham Young had many wives, but not Joseph Smith. As far as I was concerned, he and Emma were a happily married monogamous couple. Nothing I was taught depicted otherwise. But in reality, Emma did not support the practice of polygamy and it caused her much distress and heartache.  You can read the essay here if you'd like. https://www.lds.org/topics/plural-marriage-in-kirtland-and-nauvoo?lang=eng

I reached out to a friend I hadn't spoken to in several years and she pointed me to a podcast called The Year of Polygamy. I highly suggest looking it up. Lindsay Hansen Park does a fabulous job relaying journal entries from the wives of Joseph Smith. Some of the information is factual, some speculative....But you cannot deny the facts. So many of these women were heartbroken. And some conceded to marriages because of threats that Joseph would be killed if they would not. So, down the rabbit hole I went. I was extremely nervous to bring up the subject with Todd. My heart would race and I legitimately thought that if I voiced any doubts that he would be upset and our marriage might end. But one night I got brave. I brought up the podcast and we searched wikipedia articles. He even listened to a couple of episodes with me. I'm grateful that my nervousness faded fast. We were introduced to an online community of questioning Mormons and those who had left the faith. It was the support group I needed. I wasn't the only one experiencing these doubts AND I was normal! The judgments I held against friends and family who left the church quickly faded from reasons like being offended and wanting to sin, to nothing of the sort! If I was supposed to feel the spirit when things were right and true and good, this feeling was far from it. What I was learning was not right or good. So, that's where my shelf began to shake. Because of learning about Joseph Smith's marriages.

On November 1st, 2015, my life changed forever. And I'm not exaggerating. I had learned about a document called the CES Letter about 6 months prior but didn't have a strong desire to read it. I still believed in the core principals of the church. I was inactive, but I was fine. I was a believer.
On this night, I decided to read it. It is an 84 page letter written by Jeremy Runnells to an unnamed CES Director. In it, he lays out many questions he has regarding church doctrine, hoping to get answers to them. By page 32, I made the decision that I no longer believed in the core principals of the LDS church. I went into Todd's office and was distraught. He asked if I was ok. I said no and started sobbing. My heart had been ripped out of my chest and it was hard to breath. I couldn't believe what was happening in my life. What was real? What was true? What would my parents say? I couldn't read any more that night and finished the rest the next day. I just couldn't believe that I didn't know these things and felt so much anger towards the church. And, in true Sarah fashion, I did not hide my anger very well. Facebook became by venting ground. I offended many people I love and I have since apologized. It was all so new and raw and I handled it poorly. Regardless, what I was reading were true facts! Here's the kicker....November 5th 2015 the infamous exclusion policy was released. Oh wonderful.... kick me while I'm down. My heartache spread from my heart throughout my entire body... aching for my friends and their children. 4 days after my life turned upside down and now this. I was depressed. We had already planned a trip to Vegas with a couple of friends and I drank. I drank enough to be sick. It was perfect timing. Letting go for a couple of days and not being judged for it. I don't regret it.

On an evening in October of 2016, we had a visit from the youth doing a service project. The encounter was less than pleasant. I was friendly and accepting of their service, but the leaders were rude and I felt like a number and not a person. I was a service project and I hated that. As soon as they left I decided to resign my membership. Todd and the kids are still on the records.

It's been a ride filled with every single emotion. It hasn't been easy. This year has been the worst. But I won't apologize for the good things that have come out of it. I am accepting of everyone. I love more and I am not as afraid to be myself and show myself. So, for all of you out there who accept me for me...Thank you. ❤